I know something has pushed you to click the link to read this. You are probably lost, sad and everything melancholy in between. I don’t know what is causing you so much internal conflict, but I want to be nice so I will still ask you, how are you?
With gloomy eyes, you say you’re alright?
Oh, that’s okay.
Days and months, or worst… years of drought, isn’t it? Feels like running to catch a train but you never, always, quite make it. Seems like all the world turned its back on you as if you didn’t mean something. That’s why all this time you always feel desperately nothing. All the time, for not getting something you really really really worked hard for. For being always the least memorable person in the room. A bit close to the white color crayon you used to ignore when you were a kid, you can tell.
And if this is a movie, you’re going to be the most underrated and least favorite character. Because, well, unlucky you, right? How shitty it is to lose all your hard-earned shits the next minute. Anyone else?
Ever felt like disappearing? Ditto.
There were days you would want to get hit by a truck, not to die, but to go on a coma. And to make it all better, have amnesia. To forget everything, but still to continue living. Would’ve been the right plot twist. So right.
But you know what, even if it’s pretty cloudy (super close to call it a storm) in your own weather forecast, can I give you a tight hug or at least a tap on the back, because, fuck, you’re here. Alive. And you are breathing, smelling, and feeling. And that aching heart under your chest, even if you feel like its getting heavier and weaker, is still pumping blood to support all the precious parts of your body.
Damn, good morning kid. Wake up and don’t give up!
What I want you to do right now is to just slow down and sit with your feelings. Take it slowly one day at a time. I know this world is too much to take in but you got to be still. You know, you can always pause and reset your environment. Remember your power?
It takes time. It takes years for us to grow to adulthood, and it takes a full season for a fruit to mature and ripen. And when you try to ripen fruit quickly? It loses its flavor.
I read something from Instagram that says when you feel weak and too frustrated about the things you cannot do, wishes you cannot achieve, the time you cannot turn back, talents you cannot acquire. May you remember, that at times, our limitations are what separates us from the ordinary and make our stories more worth listening to. I hope you don’t settle with the thought that you can only do so little. Simply because it’s not true.
Life is trying to teach you something and your heart is trying to tell you another thing. So pay close attention. And you know, there are a lot of precious things waiting for you. It’s super cliche but it’s true.
I was running for a 10km somewhere between the sad days of November and on Spotify shuffle, I heard: Let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when your lost and you should follow it wherever it may go. When it’s all said and done, you can walk instead of run. Because no matter what, you’ll never be alone. And dang, true. Maybe.
So dearest, for now, go ahead and cry or maybe go to bed with a heavy heart. Self-recovery might not happen in just a snap of a finger but it’s possible. And your feelings are valid. Acknowledge them now.
sending you the love from a pained heart,