To the times that I feel like Holden Caulfield

Dear friend,

I hope you are having chill days, good friends, and good vibes this November. It’s true that life after you graduate, is different. And as I write this letter to you I am both happy and sad because I am missing something I’m quite not sure about. It’s pretty weird, isn’t it? I can say I was having fun with what I have in my life right now, not until I got a bit tired about the routine. Well, I thought, change of fate will open a certain door for me, but it seems like it’s leading me somewhere to the wrong door? Or it might be the right one?  Can’t tell right now because I didn’t see that coming. But it’s pulling me away from something I thought I love doing. Not in a way that I am completely losing my passion for it, though. Or I’m not sure if have I already lost it.

But I needed a company, or someone to vent for the very least. So I’m browsing through my contact list and I realized that no one is available anymore. I don’t know, man. Maybe I’m just overreacting?

It’s just that I’m missing all the bonds. That’s probably the reason why lately for the past two years, I always crave two bottles of beer right after shift before going home. But everyone seems busy like always! Or probably not. But they have different priorities already. And I’m too lazy to fight for the attention that I think I deserve from my friends. Well, you know it when everyone wants to go home and you just wanna stay there. So you persuade them hoping they’ll bite the trap of drinking with you, but they will say no. So you’ll pull your card of treating them one bucket of beer but they will still say no. But that doesn’t make me an alcoholic, though. Just to clear things up!

I kinda get the hang of it. Though I know I will eventually feel homesick on my way home. But that’s okay. I wanted to sulk and get away and completely get lost. But good heaven knows, all I really wanted is some adoration, you know. The kind of love I wanted every Christmas. Everybody’s got a huh-huh-hungry heart, right.

Going back to what I’m going through right now, I can’t exactly remember the day when my heart stopped beating purposely. One day, I just woke up and I am not happy anymore. That even with all these blessings coming towards me, I find myself failing to appreciate them. I tried anything I knew that was effective to rekindle my passion for work but you will know it, right? For the past three weeks, I feel like I am now just working for something I don’t care about, which is giving me stress. And just like a thing from Flipped, all of a sudden, I didn’t fit in anywhere. And every time I turned around, another person I’d known forever felt like a stranger to me. Even I felt like a stranger to me.

So dear Vitamin Sea, may you please help the losing me? My mermaid fin is drying and screaming for some salty adventures. Oh god, I miss having raw and real adventures. And I know Poseidon is missing me too. Did you know that most times, after closing shift, it’s always my dream to go to the bus stop and take the first bus going outside of Manila? To Baguio? La Union? Baler? Vigan? Subic? I’ll take it without ambiguity that’s for sure. Because that’s what they always tell me when I vent out about being tired. “Maybe you should travel?” my close friends always tell me.

This time, I’m not sure if I just want to go away for a little while or go away for good. And my mind can’t properly think of a certain place to heal my soul. So I’m stuck here doing the tiring routine every single day.

Because I am currently at the point of life where I just want to sleep for a thousand years. Hell, yeah. How I wish! And then I asked myself, maybe it’s the people around me? Sure, I am making memories with other people now than I was a couple of months ago, but am I really happy? Did I get tired of the people who just go to me and dictates me what to do? Probably yes. And it might also be a no. I feel like I am losing some part of me in the process. And it was sad, though. But it’s a hopeful kind of sad just like what Charlie said. The kind of sad that just takes time. But still good times for a change, I guess?

People never notice anything. So if you reached this part of this blog post, thank you for taking the time to read my feels. But please don’t ever bring this up to me in person or use it against me just for the sake of a good laugh. I really don’t wanna talk about it. Well If you wanna show me some love because of this, which I will totally appreciate, just buy me food. Because I have been losing my appetite for hell no reason. So thank you, pumpkin.

I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it. For now, let me light another stick of cigarette as I listen to The Smiths’ “Please, please, please let me get what I want” because I flipped in a heartbeat, starting to think everyone is a damn phony.

Hakuna Ma’Vodka,

Your once favorite Barista.