I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately and I don’t know why I am writing this to you. It’s just that I found myself caught in this situation again. I have been constantly daydreaming about finding the center of my inner balance. I’ve been always the kind of guy who is very passionate and very happy about what he does. So where had things gone wrong?
I mean, I don’t know. What I know right now is I am craving for some novelty, I desire real love and I want a fresh start.
Or maybe this is what a 25 year old should feel like? To not be able to perform your best because you’re stuck in your own world? To have a fucked up sleeping pattern because you get an overwhelming dissatisfaction with the direction of your life? Is this the phenomenon that they call Quarter Life Crisis? If so, then why is this necessary? This phase right now is leaving me clueless. Or maybe this is the plot wist of life that will lead you to a brighter tomorrow? I clearly don’t understand what’s happening but I woke up one day and realized things like, “I want a new life” kind of thing.
To be honest, I am not sad (compared last year) and I am not very happy either. But I think I am getting weirdly motivated (?) And the funny fact is, I still can’t recognize where is this motivation coming from. Maybe I am just getting mad? Then I remember a conversation from the movie Tangled:
“I’ve been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming of what it might feel when those lights rise up into the sky. What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be?
“It will be.”
“And what if it is? What do I do then?”
“Well, that’s a good part, I guess. You get to go find a new dream.”
I only realize the message of that scene now and maybe that’s why I have this drive inside me. Well, what I really wanna say here is I wanna start living.
I wanna go out there. I want to take the blue train in Sri Lanka. I want to see the great Pyramids from a point of view of a moving vehicle. I want to ride a bike in the streets of Barcelona. I want that long drive in the wilds of Kenya. I want to wake up early in Italy just to read a book and have a cup of good coffee. I want to get tanned skin somewhere in the islands of Greece. I want to sleep with unfamiliar stars of the Amazon and at the same time, see the Aurora Borealis in the Northern Hemisphere.
Or maybe, I will get a an apartment in New York City and start a brand new life there. I will have a munchkin cat that loves me. I will exercise everyday and eat more vegetables. I will never be dehydrated. If I get bored, I’ll buy a one way ticket going to Brazil and back pack my life in South America and only return home if I’m ready. I will volunteer to an organization that is close to my heart. I will be living the life.
But right now, I only have my 25 years of life experiences and a zero balance in my savings account. But I am willing to grow now.
So for the past few days, I am paying attention to my surroundings.
At 25, do I really like the kind of life I have right now? The answer jumps to yes. And then it also jumps to no. The universe is trying to communicate with me through sudden change of my feelings. And I know, it is something big even though my emotions cannot be trusted right now because nothing really good came from it apart from realizing that I needed a change.
So my action plan? Be more spontaneous and hella courageous. I want to create more balance. I want to take it all in and take it all out too. One day at a time. I’ll take more care of my physical body, my thinking mind and my guiding spirit. Lastly, I will pick a destination and enjoy my journey going there.
For this year, I’m hoping I will be brave enough to choose the life I always wanted to do. Because 50 years from now, I hope I won’t wake up and get regrets about not having to do the things that make my heart race, when I had the chance.
After all, I think I am not lost. Maybe I’m just here.
That’s all for now.
Thank you for reading, my friend. I hope all is well with you.